You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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