I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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