Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
