Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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