You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Found the puke drawer
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
