After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
