Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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