Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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