I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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