I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
