so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
