When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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