i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
