JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
