I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
