i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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