how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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