Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
