Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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