i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
