your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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