i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
