You work out of a Hotel?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
