I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
