You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
