I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
