The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
