Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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