She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
