If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I cut my penus on the lid.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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