If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
