i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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