I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
