Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
