ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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