Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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