wrigley field is MILF paradise
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
