you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You are the jesus of drinking
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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