I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize