I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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