I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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