Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
