My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
being pregnant is like rehab
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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