I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
