Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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