I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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