I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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