I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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