he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
