I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
