You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize