Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
