i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
